They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. Message Example #6: ( Note: A long message like this example is a better fit for dating sites like Match, OkCupid or POF. This strikes me as so strange! I think a more appropriate reaction would be to apologize once, politely, then go away and process what I did wrong by myself. When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. I dont use it myself because I dont like the way it comes across. Helen Huntingdon, I dont want you to think Ive dismissed all your argumentsyouve certainly given me pause and gotten me to think about what my expectations are. I should have specified that this particular woman was white, of a european background, and when she elaborated it was pretty clear that she was getting the I am genuinely curious about you variety of the question and not the You arent REALLY one of us implication. Honestly, about 90% of *soft* invitations to me fall flatly to the ground because I dont pick up the work of planning, timing and reissuing that invitation. I agree!! Excellent insight and analysis. But then she would ask me to babysit her toddler. The genered expectations in our family are much more of the women do the planning variety which can get super annoying when wed like to just go along for the ride every once in a while. How it came to need an actual (although formulaic) response, Im not sure. Me: Fine, thanks. Your kids are loud. Its any individuals choice whether the tradeoffs are worth it. Question bugs me too, so I figured out some noncommittal answers that hit the tennis ball back into the askers court where it belongs. Because everybodys got something. Most dont mean to be manipulative, and if thats not their intention, Why, whats up? wont bother them in the slightest, nor will never finding out what you actually are doing next Thursday or what you did with that time if you turned them down. Since LW was talking about very short-term questions, I certainly hope no one is asking because they need to tell the caterer! Him: Nothing at all? My workmates and I ask all the time stuff like what are you up to tonight/on the weekend? and its almost never a prelude to inviting them to something, its just small talk sharing our lives. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? Now shes supposed to go on a date with me if I ask for one!. What is your favourite clip? I just had a talk with my DD about this- she will text me do we have plans Saturday I usually respond with Why? Obviously we have a different relationship than a friend to friend thing. So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. I dont find it weird, I think its just whiteness and the safest thing to do is presume white people are going to be like this to some extent, until they prove otherwise. Call me. Does *your* phone not work? friend: yep cool So the next time your phone rings you will be prepared. But no one argues against working! No, it had just been earlier that very day. So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. I mountain bike every weekend! I'm sorry I can't really talk right now. And if someone is trying to open a debate about the validity of your plans vs. what they want you to be doing, it is a refusal to take the podium. Her Kid: are you ready to come to school? OMG yes! I wouldnt mind your first either, but thats because the few people whod ask me exactly that are close enough for me to answer however Id like. Its just small talk! Whereas it might feel more awkward/imposing for her, and less for me, to just ask outright, Do you want to go to [event] on [this day]?. Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). So yeah, I think your Swedish approach is fairly standard for American culture as well. (In this case it was never exactly meant to result in actually doing anything), Them We need to have lunch soon Maybe if the stress was a bit different? My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. Ive now got a standard policy of dont know, Ill have to check my calendar and get back to you. When we nearly got evicted from our housing situation, I was critically busy trying to find an apartment for me and the housemates, and it kind of annoyed me to have friends pinging me like Heyyy, I miss you, can we get lunch this week, without finding out if I was actually available first. Were having a party. ME: Hi [Friend], Id like to plan a karaoke night with you, are you free [date] or [date]? (Seriously? It took some practice, but I always try to give an out for people, especially since I have a group of Japanese friends where theyre used to giving a soft no. ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. I compared to you older friends of mine I see ruining their relationships with their adult children through constant disrespect, but then being bewildered as to why things are going so badly. These people arent trying to gotcha! Nothing very interesting. Justit can be a lot sometimes. My friends do it alllll the time. Thinking of seeing [movie]. k. Yes, I think theres a fairly clear difference between people who ask as small talk (for example, when youre both waiting for the microwave in the staffroom, or waiting at the bus stop after work) and when its done how LW specifies. We received your email and will get back to you with a (human) response as soon as possible. At the very least, it makes you feel like the place you live isnt really your homethat youll never belong or be from there, that you have no claim to it. That would have been a really frightening prospect for me. Then they can ask for details to make up their minds, or just shut you down with a no of preferred firmness if the event doesnt appeal. When I asked him later, What the heck? My instinct leads me to: answer back in the affirmative (great) because Performing Happy is expected of us, thank them for their interest (thanks), and repeat the gesture (yourself?). While having to put up with gday, mate lacks the structural oppression of whats aimed at POC, it is still annoying. Cause you dont have to find out if Im busy BEFORE inviting me to something or asking me for a favor. More words, people, not less. When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. I might be up for casual after work hangs but not going clubbing in that sketchy bar across town. I immediately turn it around on them. On the other hand, that was a while ago. Be polite. I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. There are variants but this one is always appropriate in all situations. - Joseph Addison - Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. Eating. (that said, I do aim at treating her the way I would an adult roommate.) Just looking for my phonehave you seen it? Your family is going to judge you for any serious answer you give anyway, so you might as well beat them to the criticism. I am admittedly very sensitive to potential power issues, so I have a hard time seeing when theyre really there and when Im just reacting as though they are. If someone challenges me on something, my default response is to assume the other person is right and I am wrong. Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. I think there is something to be said for family relationships between adults where the balance is between emotional labor and responsibility for the home rather than money. The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. It can often be an explain why youre a POC kind of thing in many countries with white majorities, and seen as a whole (its a super widespread phenomenon) it shows how far away our societies are from truly accepting themselves are diverse. You: Yeah, we should. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. I grew up in the Guessiest Guess household ever my mother once quit a job because they said they liked her work so much that theyd like her to do more shifts, and she was angry at being put in the position of having to say no so I didnt come out of childhood equipped with much of a toolbox for saying no assertively. Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. Maybe you can Google it. I dont know what would do the most damage for NYCs daughter long-term, but I do know that no matter the form it ultimately takes, the preservation of parental lines of dominance into the adulthood of the child will do real damage long-term. (This one is so trite that it takes a few moments for the humor to sink in.) One of my friends always answered (very cheerily): Dont know! Reply with 'Hey' Back. And just because my plans dont include hanging out with anyone or leaving my home, it doesnt mean that I am free or willing to cancel them. IDK. Oof this is hard, because how you deal with it can and will vary so wildly depending upon whos doing the asking of you. LW, in case youre feeling that so many comments along these lines invalidate your feelings about the question or imply that youre making a big deal out of nothing, I wanted to chime in to say that my reaction to reading your letter was an immediate OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER?!. Everyone knows most people mean it well, its small talk, etc but these things ARE not nice to be the receiver of. To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being.. But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. Theres still room for her to refuse. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. It gives them nothing, and forces them to divulge their plans. My white mom has a very unusual first name (I dont know of anyone with a name that is even similar, AND its spelled with a non-English character) and, 40 years after she moved to the US people still ask her where shes from. I agree with you based on what shes told me, it feels very othering, and she resents it. Wake up late Sunday morning and go ride or play in the mud. Your friends and family will get off the phone with you and wonder why they aren't grabbing life by the horns the way you are. LW gets that this is all tied up with threats of violence. "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." 2. Whaaaaaat. I dont know. Nobody listens anyway. But in the age of smart phones I also find Im going to have to check my email before I say yes to that, so let me get back to you helpful. I have a rule of thumb for stuff like this, which is sometimes with a passive aggressive person, I just aggressively pretend they asked me a direct question or made a direct statement, and will respond as though they did. But that was fun and consensual for both parties. I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. And it happens often enough, with friends/family/acquaintances, that it can get annoying, but I generally dont jump straight to why do you ask unless theyve previously over-stepped in presuming my time was theirs since Im doing nothing (that I want them to know about or feel like talking about). And then both go on to other things. You just reminded me of the ex-husband of a friend I used to know. If they want to tell you about their kids, they can. This suitable during the Halloween period. If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. My response if Im up for it is Looking like a fun one, but did you have something in mind? If Im probably not up for it I say All the things! Why do you ask? Its a polite way of communicating WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Theres a world of small talk out there that doesnt Other a person, and being genuinely curious is not a justification for anything. It can still get extremely wearing through, and I do wish people would think more about when this conversation is appropriate and when Im maybe not up for answering a litany of questions that literally every stranger asks me (ie when Im obviously exhausted and struggling with four bags of groceries that I have to cart away on foot). Then you can do x with/for me! just blatantly assuming that if you are free, then you will obviously want to do this thing. Had it been a long time since shed asked him? Interesting. When someone really finds you funny over text, they may send laughing emoji or 'haha'. Another interesting look at how varied cultural/regional norms and peoples own experiences can be. I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. I always just say What do you have in mind? It hasnt failed me yet! My ILs do this. No more Did I say sunday I meant saturday, now you have to change all your weekend plans ever again. Since youre not busy, do you want to go to [event] with me? 04 Mar 2023 17:27:26 Thanks, I woke up like this. So I love this response cuz its keeping it real! That being said, in a couple of guys Ive dated in the last few years, Ive been amazed at how fast and how almost without me noticing they can go from planning and executing dates very well to somehow only being able to function if Im doing it. 2. LW has a LOT of reason to be bugged by this approach to seeking a date it carries a hefty implied threat because of what abusive men in our society have built it into en masse. Fill in the gaps using the correct form of Future Simple Tense. How about you? So the onus is on you, when talking to a new person, to communicate that youre just interested in exchanging chitchat about what everybody did/will do over the weekend. Its not extreme when your life has several of those sharks who ask that just to trap you. I see it my grandmothers A LOT, and how its been passed down to their daughters mainly. Jana: I'm good. I get tempted to make stuff up like join the circus or sky diving or whatnot. Julia has been . Demanding person: Are you busy this weekend? I expect either Oh were going to see New Movie/having a picnic/running errands or I dunno, usually followed by how about you? Its a low pressure small talk question, most of the time. This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list. 26+ Funny Responses to Being Asked on a Date (Replying Yes or No) Right now? However, it is true that "hanging out" is not what a person often thinks of as "OMG awesome must be there!" Thank you! Give small truths. Whatever hits them the hardest should work just fine. I used this to train my mom to use text/email instead, because 1) I hate phone and 2) a written message means much less chances of either one of us getting the details wrong. (Whether there will be some negative family fallback I dont know). Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? I dont think there is the slightest thing wrong with wanting something in the way of rent for the houseroom and resources she takes up. In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. Me: yes! or no, sorry. There is no need to think about what they're up to or why they sent you the . Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. You?, Or ask when do you need an answer by as invitors do need to know for catering, planning and booking purposes. Her Kid: *rings doorbell* again my mum says shall we wait for you? I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? It happens every time I get him as a teller. Tucker Carlson: Merrick Garland Is Persecuting Christians; Are You You on the other hand, will get off the phone feeling charged and energized.and get right back to doing nothing. We assume you wont want to share all your more detailed baggage or bad news with someone you dont know very well and we are a little taken aback if you actually do because it indicates that you feel a level of closeness with us that we didnt necessarily feel with you. Paris color stylo eye shadow neon skirt Paris color riche le stylo eye shadow bronzed How much vitamin c does a clementine have Loreal paris color riche stylo smoky eye avant azure What to get a guy for valentine's day Paris stylo smoky eye shadow hollywood Why is friendship better than relationship Desculpa para sair mais cedo do trabalho View Each Day as an Opportunity, Not an Obligation, Everything That You Can't do Because You Have Kids. I appreciate the suggestions about responses, having to deal with a pushy in-law (nosy for information and has a big sense of entitlement). I find that are you doing anything interesting this weekend? can come across as less pressuring than what are you doing this weekend? Not only does it focus the question onto peoples hobbies/interests, but the answer no, not really doesnt automatically mean that someone is free. Darn, my wife wants me home early [so we can watch Netflix on the couch with our cat].. What are you doing this weekend? eh, my mother does that. Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. I can get behind being annoyed with the sister whos trying to manipulate her into babysitting, but I think theyre reading a lot into the question when its being asked casually. Speak to US respectfully. (Right Now): What are you doing sometimes means at the very present in which activity are you involved in? Being a grown up with a family, studies and a job, friends and hobbies my life is often busy and so is my friends so we often use this website https://doodle.com/ but then people always know what kind of an event we are trying to schedule. Someone responding with why do you ask? would basically make me instantly take a mental step back from that person in terms of comfort level. Shell show up at your house again, or track you down partway to school. I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. I understand that theyre just trying to be friendly and make small talk but it still feels invasive. And with some people it is pretty transparently a question with the subtext of let me mooch off of your free time and/or the things you do in your free time are stupid and wrong. Stopping people you vaguely know on the street, without a care for what theyre doing or where theyre going, invading their privacy without having asked for and received prior permission for a scheduled social encounter, and then taking up their precious time to interrogate their current mood is, not surprisingly, offputting to some! Read also. My small college town has become a lot more cosmopolitan over my lifetime, and weve got enough of an international population now that Im deeply curious about many of the customers at the store where I work. I would actually be pretty weirded out by a friend who a) felt this was genuinely intrusive BUT b) also would not actually tell me they felt this was too intrusive. Every girl loves the rebel without a cause. Could be specific to where I am, though. It's time to break the silence and let her know that she shouldn't be nosing into your business when her life isn't anything special. There are two good situations for teasing: 1) when someone talks about something unusual like Lily did; 2) when someone is not very good at something, such as singing out of tune. This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. Indoor Cat says feeling unsafe would have been the most damaging to her relationships with her parents long term. I thought why do you ask? meant you are being nosy. Me: Working. This says "I'm doing well.". I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. Follow. I also like the advice to just tell people I interact with regularly that I dont like that question. What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. As in, What are you doing? is another way of asking What are your hobbies?. How Do You Respond to "Hope You Had a Good Weekend"? I usually end up saying something noncommittal like I might be doing xyz, but Im not sure yet why? and waiting to see what the actual deal is. (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. People here are talking about changing a norm, but you have in fact learned the norm correctly, and Im sure this whole conversation feels like slipping sand beneath your feet. good response to "What are you up to tonight?" - reddit The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. That would create some damage. There were several problems that led to the death of that relationship, but communication (on both sides) was for sure one of them. I BET YOU WILL LAUGH - Funny videos - YouTube But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. You have actually internalized a very common social rule. I'm going to say this to my parents. Guys, sorry, I wont be able to make it., The kitty I am catsitting has fallen asleep in my lap. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. Ive got a couple things going, do you have any plans? My father nearly died in my arms, and you cant meet me at the airport to show me you love me, because you dont like being told what to do? Hi / hello + [thing I want to talk about] can almost seem too abrupt in that context, particularly among peers. Im relearning advanced math as an adult because it seems fun and Im bitter that I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged me from learning. Saying no at that point feels rude, and yeah some people have reacted badly. Its not a question I like either, some of which is due to manipulative/pushy people angling for my time/energy like in the letter, and some of it is due to feeling like I have to feign excitement or a more interesting life in order to keep the conversation going, which is draining (IDK if this is an introvert vs extrovert thing or like how some people seem to have no trouble filling the conversation or making their lives sound interesting; I am not one of those people). Men who constantly try to manipulate women into doing all their emotional labor is a ridiculously huge problem in American culture right now. 30 Best Replies To "What's Up?" (Funny & Friendly) So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. Rock on, Helen. Im planning an event on Day, are you free? "Have a happy Saturday." 2) "It's almost the weekend." 3) "And just like thatPoof! I find looking out for the people who cause difficulty when things dont go their way, is more useful than trying to figure out all the numerous different ways common interactions could be interpreted and trying to use the right one for every situation. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. I feel like its somewhat related to not saying no also). Ive got[an alligator to befriend, etc]. I saved up enough to move out. If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. I get annoyed when family members pose the invitation as Youre coming to Grans on Saturday, right? To which Im like, Uh, whats happening on Saturday? And they stare at me like Im a monster for not knowing it was Sallys third step daughters cousins middle school graduation theyre celebrating on Saturday. 65+ Funny Responses to Everyday Questions! - Self Development Journey Whenever people accept this answer, I know I am dealing with human beings who understand their goodness as a constant learning process. Sometimes we dont have plans, but that doesnt mean Im willing to just let her do any old activity. I cringe sometimes because a lot of the send awkwardness back to sender! advice overlaps with the kind of thing he does and yeah, it costs him. It is trickery and so frustrating. (FWIW, Im not that extreme myself. If it is in fact a lead up to an invitation or request I can always either find room for it or say I dont have time. *In my case, Z has agreed to push the Ask her yourself button instead of passing messages along. LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. Funny Ways to Respond to "How Are You?" Overworked and underpaid. I mean, they might not vote for an actual white supremist, but that belief is definitely lurking there (like, even if they dont vote for an out-and-out white supremist, they still have the belief that white people are leadership material than poc); and they might not say these things to your face, but they will do/say things that prop up model minority nonsense (eg, anti-Blackness in the presence of other racial minorities) and are nice only as long as you stay in your place and dont challenge them as long as you dont call them out or challenge their perception of what poc can do, as in your example. And they tend to be very very very sure of what counts as racism (nothing they do/say, of course), with an overlay of you should be grateful I am nice to you to wrap it all up. Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. He didnt mention it at all, and he wasnt big into ice skating in years past, so I assumed he probably just wasnt interested. Yes, exactly. Then, I asked her, why did she ask ME? Most people would rather talk about themselves than anyone else, so turning the question back to them will almost always divert them from further questions about what Im doing. But more often we talk about their kids or grandkids or the cute hat theyre wearing or the wedding theyre shopping for. But the female-seeming among us get hit with that kind of weirdly-broken thinking by our families and others endlessly in American and other western cultures.
Arisaka Type 30 Serial Numbers, Dennis Lepore Franklin, Houma Police Warrants, Who Played The Three Fairies In Maleficent, Citrus County Chicken Ordinance, Articles F