Complicating this are his confessions to you about his feelings for her and their relationship. I still check in and reply. Dont be afraid to ask and expect to get what you asked for. We may have started out as childhood friends and you might see me as one of the boys, but I would still like to be treated as a lady open doors for me, give me flowers once in a while, and take me out on dates. You should have to ask or expect these things they should be apart of every loving relationship. He says that we love each other and that is all that should matter. "If he says the right things, makes you feel safe and is kind and considerate, chances are he means what he says. I am I being childish / foolish to walk away, or is he just making excuses. The second issue is that this is a new marriage between two new to each other people and not a re-creation of his previous marriage. She did not give us so much as $25 towards it. He says he was very happy in his marriage but she never once initiated sex in all their marriage. Must be a twit that is allowing some adult child to rule her, so sees no better. Which i think is normal and understandable. Not because you feel obligated to the children or because you feel she really does need you and just needs to be made to see it. Good luck. i, for the life of me, can not understand why i cant just be happy with what we have..I love him so very much but him not wanting to make me his wife is really undermining my self worth i have been thinking of end it and just moving on i know it will be heart wrenching because i love him so much, this is the love i have wanted to feel for so long and thought i would never feel it again. I know my wid did a lot for the dead bitch, and I suspect she was a bitch too. His response will likely give you the info you need to decide what is best for you. He tells me I am a real trooper and just be myself and soon they will love me too. Please be patient. You gave it a go in good faith but its probably time you thought about putting yourself first. Meaning that life is short, and I may not have that much time with him. You could just leave. Depending on circumstances (closeness of the guy to in-laws and children involved) this will vary and some friends and family will take their sweet time coming around and some might never. I love him and she is mostly a stranger to me. The deceased could have been a Narcissist himself, predisposed if he was the Golden Child of the warped grandparents. Things were just not making sense and they still dont The diseased friends were still involved with her coming over taking the children places gifts leaving thing ect. She explained how her husband had died 20 years earlier. Thank you and thanks for replying. Moving ahead he backed away, felt guilt, never has introduced me to his kids or friends but continues to see me once a month although we usually just hang at my home. I had my concerns if my investment of time and heart would leave me empty handed in the end. Her Aunt had come to town to clean out all of her stuff a month ago and I kind of got the cold shoulder from her, not that she was mean to me, but not the welcome I wanted. Im sorry. This is the most unlikely love story that happened between two unlikely people. Right, or iam I just different. When he got really depressed he tended to push away from me and that was really difficult. Stunned, and she was still running the back up electric heat to death. Communication the freedom to have discussions without fear is what makes or breaks most relationships. And men do this bait and switch a lot even when they arent widowed. In that case, you may need additional time to grieve, or you may benefit from working with a therapist for grief counseling or attending a support group. She would play my fiance for all he was worth if she had that house. I feel very badly about it, and I know he is not in great health. . And you know, you can always tackle this again in the New Year when you are making resolutions (I dont personally but a lot of people do). Medany offers this advice for those starting this conversation: Calmly tell the widower what it feels like to be on the receiving end of these issues and then wait and watch to see what he does with this information. Love and relationships dont have to be left up to the fates to decide. The group is a mix of women some give better advice than others but everyone there has been where you are. Im kind of in the same situation you are. We will be spending the weekend together this weekend, and I did plan on approaching the topic with him again. Dont accept hurtful actions or words. My fiance gave the older daughter a car when she was 16. I am really not holding my breath anymore with things. I will wait forever for him and am simply not interested in anyone else. What is the real meaning of the photos other than hes just You can certainly be there, listen or whatever if he initiates, but it is his to do and he has to decide he wants to before anything can happen. If you buy something, we may earn an affiliate commission. We know the meaning of the love till death, sacrifice, compassion and lot more than other people dont. Ive explained all of that in a very simplistic way, so please dont judge me . It was okay then. If he was divorced, would you be patient with his on/off behavior? That all his life they have lived their lives through him. Are you happy? 13. I do with them except remember the good times but ultimately But I feel he did not choose me that life and loss put him with me and hed opt for that life and I could disappear in a poof of smoke and my time in his life be glady gone if he could have her back. And theres no rush. Im just saying that its NOT the same as a divorce or break up, and theres nothing wrong with holding onto sentimental items or keeping a few pictures up. Not calling it by name doesnt fool anyone but him. Its bullshit excuses. The only time I have guffed about the inlaws is when they are harming the children emotionally, disrespecting me and or her. I feel certain conditions exist that I had no part in deciding for myself. Thats not grown-up and its a good way to end up a doormat. Thats all I thought back then, but now that I find myself in the corner I am reaching out. I thought we were happy. I expect that from here on out we spend every night falling asleep in each others arms Another discussion is clearly in order but before you initiate it, you should think about what you want, expect, hope for. This web page/blog however being more down to reality. All thats being discussed here are those instances when that is not what is going on. When someone dies, it may be deeply comforting to stay connected with others who also knew and loved them. She snapped back and said that the children were from her deceased husband. I feel instead chosen with his mind. Its your life. All normal. Its ideally suited for his work, so moving would be difficult. You're asked to hide or leave the room when someone drops by your partner's place unexpectedly. when we first started getting serious he told me up front he did want to remarry .. ever. By Pride Team on September 23, 2014 Dear Dorothy. She'd just turned 60. When I met him I knew he was a widower but not until 3 months later in the relationship did I find out his wife had just passed. Can your heart feel the same? I do think it causes confusion in the eyes of his friends, They see the profile pic but then see him with me in tow socially. Any advice would be appreciated. And the second is that his daughter is calling the shots, which at forty years of age means shes been doing this all her life and is unlikely to stop anytime soon. The younger was a Narcissistic bitch, I now believe in the clinical sense of having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. We really like each other what a relief and it seems LW had told the friend the place shed liked to be scattered. He has still not changed his mind, he is still very adamant about no marriage. In my opinion, people who use the past as a way to dodge whats not working in the now are playing the widow card in the worst way. And they do come with a responsibility. "When someone loses a spouse, they usually idolize the lost partner on some level, so don . Do I feel better knowing all these things? He says even holding hands feels a little weird at this moment. Still to this day I get well, well, what about them I have LIVED up to my expatiations and then some. He tells me there is no-one else for me and I believe him. Second best. . It just happens to be framed in the context of the lady you are dating being a widow. But they went into albums. She is enabling this wretched best friend, the rat, and these grandparents. I am just one source and one opinion. And yet the fear remains. I asked about her children, she replied I have three grown children each with their own children now. Closets are easily cleaned out. His Facebook photo is of his wife and his iPad. However, I know of situations where meltdowns have led to greater understanding, formulating plans for moving forward and long-term commitment though the latter happens less frequently. in 3 years we have only managed it about twice. Which I dont have a problem with. His is made worse than ever as it is on land that was in his family a long time. He nursed his wife for a long time and now wants some fun, see what is out there play the field a little I guess. While its normal for a widowed person to compare, comparing is a bad habit that can easily destroy a new relationship. So, make your holiday plans! Neither one of us set out to date again so the whole thing took us by storm and we have figured it out as we went along. The comments on their give much insight into the turmoil and suffering Narcissistic parents and grandparents cause. In my opinion you need MAJOR counseling to determine why you even, for a moment, would think it is normal for a 12 year old to be calling the shots over his father. At some point in every relationship, there are details that need to be clarified and/or worked out. Im sorry you will be scrutinized by the people who love me. Just because hes a grieving widower gives no man a pass at being a good man. In the mean time he also told me he was falling in love with me. Not 100% of the time, but more often than not. My concern is that although he moved from the home he shared with his late wife, the new home still has photos on the wall (wedding portrait) and others of the family (him, her and the children) along with a great deal of items that were hers (not personal items) things that were her decorating style. He is just a man youve been dating. The transition holiday is something I had not thought of and it has merit. These 5 Questions Will Help You Find Out, Love After Bereavement: Missing Your Late Partner, Valentines Day as a Widow or Widower: A Moment to Reflect and Renew, How to Tell if a Widow or Widower Is Interested in You. to see him once a week is so hard because he doesnt know what hes going to say where he is.its so sad that he just cant stand up to them. I dont know you. I expect you follow through in what you have told me. . Fear has played a big part in my life when it has come to this and the only thing that this approach has done for me is create undue stress and the onset of depression. When he talks about the future, I just dont see myself in it, but then there are times when he talks about buying a huge house for all of us but thats once in a while. His son has been in charge since he was a tiny boy. It felt like I had to pull her out of the coffin to get her to do what she was telling me she wanted. Dont forget, some people just naturally have lower sex drives and get along quite well without it. If he loves you and wants a future, he will be willing to take the steps to make this happen. I would travel to his on a Saturday to watch him play Rugby and then because i was not allowed to really be near him due to his son who was 10 at the time i would travel home immediately afterwards with my son a very long way to go to grab 10 mins at the end of rugby 150 mile round trip. She is sabotaging her own happiness with you, as you rightly say. In other words, happiness, moving on and being in a new relationship are choices that we make. Maybe its time for a detour., The choices you make from this day forward will lead you, step by step, to the future you deserve. I am in a similar situation. After all, there are pictures of her throughout the home she and John share. but the thing is that when you are moving on and dating, a widowed person also needs to be super sensitive to make sure that they are not asking things of their new partners that isnt reasonable. He does, she does not. We met through a mutual friend & fell hard & fast for each other. However, in the beginning, there was varying degrees of stand-offish-ness and me feeling awkward and unwanted. Yes its quick but we found this house and it felt so right it felt it was meant to be. It was a difficult time for him but I knew he loved me throughout. Although I have been told by widowed folk that sex just happens because of the loneliness and pain of loss. But for how long? Only he can answer that and he appears to be ducking you. Theyre ALL matters of the heart And when I was divorced I can assure you it was like a death to me and the widower I dated for a year and a half agreed that my pain was not less than his because my partner of 26 years was still breathing and his was not!! My independence and identity. He will in time or he wont ever. Very hard to be open and vulnerable for both of us but it was the clear the air moment we both needed before continuing on. Pictures drawn at school of me and mom together father day cards and letters. Daddys Little Girl, and he treated that manipulative little b*tch as if she was her own mother and she looks like her mother. I want to be patient and wait. He and I did not discuss it and I was willing to give it a little more time. Even after seven years with my husband and nearly seven years of marriage, I sometimes get knocked off track a bit when photos pop up on Facebook or anniversaries spark discussions that remind me, I am the second wife. "In most of these cases, the key to starting a successful future relationship is timing," she says. So the counselor said sit down a formulate a plan when these things come up write down what you want to say and set your boundaries, or stop lying to dave its one or the other is what the counselor said. Am I doing the right thing by staying and giving him time? When we met for our first date it was like a fairy tale date. He is a paramedic. He feels very comfortable with me there as well and has told me his castle is my castle and i do not have to ask or wait to be offered anything and I am to make myself at home. But, and you know this about me, I dont think any trauma is bad enough to warrant mistreating others. How could we be intimate in that bedroom.. OK feelings arent black and white but Im honestly hoping space will help him realize we are meant to be together but time will tell I guess. so i believe him.But one time in our converstation we talk about his coming back here but he said he is not sure anymore coz he has no money yet, so i ask so there is no assurance anymore that he is coming back here, and he said yes no assurance, it will depend on his money next year, maybe if not next year, 2 years more. This does not mean we love each other less, or that we are not ready to move on. I know it wont be easy. Even with Shelly standing shoulder to shoulder with you, awake, aware and in fully understanding of the issues, It will be a long haul to bring those grandparents to heel. One time i had to ask him to put away stuff, if he wants me to come around once in awhile.to give me spacehe did remove his wifes clothes and empty a drawer for mebut their house which she designed.is filled with her memories, the car even has a picture of her before she passed. So I lever for a while we came back together the pictures were down she burnt her journal and said I want my future with you. Not great at any age ! Ellen Burstyn was alone for 25 years before she fell in love, at 71, with the man with whom she now lives, who is 23 years younger. There is no more crying from them. You deserve better and you will find it. This still comes back to you though, imo. I hope things work out the way you want them to. Slow Burn (Lost Kings MC, #1) by.